Signs You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

If you’re reading this, you might be wondering whether the relationship you’re in is healthy. It’s normal to question our relationship now and then, to argue from time to time, and for both people involved to say or do the wrong thing sometimes. After all, we are human.  When the arguments become more frequent than the laughs, or when one or both partners feel neglected, unrespected, or even unsafe, that’s when you may want to take a closer look at how healthy your relationship really is. We interviewed experts who shared warning signs to be on the lookout for, tips for addressing unhealthy patterns—and how to know when to run as fast as you can from a relationship. Warning Signs to Watch For Your relationship is a secret. No, your partner doesn’t need to carry around a picture of you in their wallet and show it to everyone they meet, but if their BFF hasn’t met you yet, who else aren’t they telling about you? If you just started seeing each other, then this isn’t a big deal, but if it’s been a few months, you might want to ask what’s up with the secrecy. “If you’ve been dating regularly for three months or more it’s typical that you meet the significant people in each other’s lives,” says Julianne Cantarella, MSW, LSW, Certified relationship coach and matchmaker. “This includes family, longtime friends, and even coworkers. If the person you are dating is avoiding an introduction to the significant people in their life that’s a red flag and a clear indication they are probably not the one.” You’re constantly arguing with your partner. Sure, it’s totally normal for couples to bicker now and then about things like whose turn it is to cook dinner or what to watch on Netflix. It’s also normal to have bigger fights about sex and money and when one or the other isn’t feeling appreciated. Communication isn’t always pretty. But when the fighting gets to the point where it feels constant and even exhausting, that’s not normal; that’s not healthy. It isn’t normal to feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner all the time. “Constant fighting or bickering is a huge flag that either you’re not a match or not a match anymore,” says Julianne. Your partner won’t commit to the relationship. If your partner isn’t ready to commit when you are, they’re probably not “the one”. It doesn’t mean they are a bad person; they just aren’t necessarily the person for you. “It might not (and likely doesn’t) have anything to do with you,” says Vanessa Ringel, neuroplasticity coach and founder of GRAVITĀS. “They may not be ready to settle, there may be some incompatibility at play that you’re not aware of, or they might have trauma from past relationships. What matters is that you don’t invest your valuable time and energy in someone who isn’t able to reciprocate, and who will unwillingly block you from finding the person who would.” Ask yourself: Is that really a relationship you want to invest any more time in? Your partner brings out the worst in you. Relationships aren’t always easy, but your partner shouldn’t make you act in a way you typically wouldn’t. You may be in an unhealthy relationship if “you bring out the worst in each other, and being with this person is exhausting,” says Rory Sassoon. It’s not a healthy relationship if “you’re constantly talking about how to fix your relationship, and most importantly, you really don’t feel that you like each other fundamentally as people,” says Sassoon.  It’s important to be with someone who brings out the best in you. While you won’t be at your best every minute of every day, your partner should be there to support you so you can be your best in the areas of your life that matter most. “Are you neglecting your health, finances, friendships, children, family, dreams? That is your warning sign that something is wrong in your relationship,” says Laura Day, New York Times Bestselling author and practicing intuitive. Signs of Mental Abuse: Criticism, Humiliation, and Control “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~ Maya Angelou According to thehotline.com, “Approximately 84% of victims (of domestic violence) are psychologically abused by their partners.” Chances are, you did not go looking for a relationship where you would constantly be put down and made to feel worthless, stupid, or just plain crappy. If your partner is insulting you and calling you names that make you feel bad about yourself, these are signs of mental abuse. Unfortunately, “this type of abuse can sneak up on you, and sometimes isn’t as easy to spot as physical abuse,” says Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking.  Cantarella weighs in on how it is easy to miss the warning signs of mental abuse, adding, “Sometimes it’s hard to recognize negative behaviors or if you are being mentally abused. This behavior can be insidious and introduced slowly over time. What might start out as a “joke” can end up being used as a way to control you, shame you, or make you feel as if you are the problem. If your partner is humiliating you, constantly criticizing you, controlling you, shaming you, blaming you, or Isolating you from your family and friends, these are all examples of mental and emotional abuse. Another example could be trying to control you by monitoring your coming and going, checking your phone, or controlling your finances.” Additional examples of mental abuse include “a lashing out or neglect, or “punishment” following any behavior your partner does not agree with,” says Ringel. “Or, you may notice your partner lies to you, especially about important things, and that when you confront him or her, it gets turned back on you, as if the lying is your fault.” Beyond mental and emotional injury, abuse in a relationship can also directly affect us physically. “Our body is a very good barometer

Find Your Argument Style

All couples have different ways of communicating when they disagree. Some yell at each other. Others bicker. Some give the “silent treatment.” Still, other couples just don’t engage which kicks-the-can farther down the road (to be dealt with eventually). Too often, conflicts become a contest of wills to see who is right and who is wrong. They bring up old wounds and tear at insecurities all in the name of winning.  But, here is the flip side—happily married couples have arguments. Yes, happy marriages can even have full-on fights. It’s important to note that couples have different styles of conflict. No one style is better than another, but the style has to work for both people in the relationship. If one wants to talk it through logically and the other wants to scream, retreat, and watch the playoffs, there’s going to be more friction. In the strongest marriages, couples support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose in their lives together. And, no matter how they fight, they fight fair.   When a marriage fails to do this—to support, nurture and grow—the relationship devolves into useless realms of arguments driven by their egos. This leads to isolation which can then lead to pain, sadness, loneliness, and sometimes the demise of the marriage.  Disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences. It’s important to understand what’s causing the conflict. If you don’t understand the cause of the conflict (and in the heat of the moment, we usually don’t), always honor and respect each other as you discover the cause. UNDERSTAND YOUR ANGER Before a fight goes too far, ask yourself these questions: What is the ultimate outcome that I wish to achieve?  Is it to feel empowered?  Is it to feel heard?  Is it to get respect? Is it to let that person know how incredibly angry I am? Is my anger, whether it’s in rage or in silence, going to get me the outcome I desire? ESTABLISH YOUR RULES OF ARGUMENT ENGAGEMENT All couples need to establish their “Rules of Engagement.”  You need to make up rules together. Sit down and decide how you are going to fight. Seriously, talk it out! There is one cardinal rule which should always be honored during an argument, and that is to never “hit below the belt.” In other words…aim to be heard and not to hurt.   Words have power. Once unleashed, they can be a verbal dagger through the heart. Maybe the wound will heal, but the scar is a constant reminder of what was said. Over time, those angry words can damage what Kabbalists call the “oneness of marriage’s union.” The more positive things we do and say, both to and about each other, the more positive the outcome. BOTTOM LINE: MAKE CHOICES TOGETHER The minute you no longer treat each other with dignity, respect, and love is the moment the oneness, trust, and intimacy between you becomes at risk and is shattered. Think about it. On the one hand, you’re supposed to be intimate and be the closest to this person.  On the other hand, you say the most incredibly hurtful things because you know their vulnerabilities. You have to make the decision that there are some places you should never go and some things that should never be said; and, you need to make that choice together. (photo credit: Shutterstock)

13 Ways To Boost Communication with Your Partner

Over the past year, research has found more couples struggling and breakups happening far more than ever. Many of us are juggling more responsibilities around the house and often use up every minute of the day for work, kids and maybe a little self care (if we are lucky!). Even though we may be spending more time together, the quality time is often lacking and frustrations are more likely to increase.  We all know that one of the most important aspects of a relationship is communication. Talking to your significant other feels like something that should be natural. Yet, it is a common struggle among couples. But, are we truly communicating about what matters? Briefly asking about their day, requesting they pick up milk, or scheduling your family affairs is technically communication. But, we didn’t choose to be with this person because we wanted an assistant or someone to help with chores. We chose them because we love them.  When stress is heightened, it’s easy for communication to break down and for intimacy to be pushed aside from the relationship. If your partner doesn’t know there is an issue, you can’t work together to resolve it. If they don’t know you’re not feeling loved, needing space, or desiring a little more affection, they won’t try.  We asked leading relationship experts to talk about ways we can strengthen our bonds, open up the dialogue with our partners, and even rekindle a dulled spark.  Match Your Inner and Outer Dialogue If you’re thinking angry and expressing nice…believe me, your partner is “hearing” the angry loud and clear.  And then, you’re confused as to why they’re acting defensive! Instead, be clear about your needs and be willing to negotiate. You don’t want to have to be a mindreader. If you’re sensing a problem, give the person permission to express it. If you need something, ask.  —Laura Day, New York Times bestselling author and practicing intuitive Define The Level of Affection You Need Some people just aren’t that affectionate. There are many degrees of affection. One partner might feel they are being affectionate, and their partner still feels starved for affection. This is an area where you need to reach a happy medium. Affection is part of what sets you apart from just being roommates. You need to communicate your need for more affection the way you would any other need. Ask your partner what affection looks like to them and try doing more of what they ask for in a relationship. Affection is what makes some people feel valued and loved, so it’s very important to be on the same page and make strides to meet their needs. Check in with your partner to see if what you are doing is working for them as well.   —Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking.  You are 100% responsible for your own satisfaction in your relationship (in and out of the bedroom), so don’t wait around waiting for your partner to read your mind—initiate. Go for what you want.  —Dr. Gertrude Lyons, MA, MA, EdD Show Interest in Your Partner It may sound obvious, but it’s really not. When you’re struggling to actually listen to your partner, especially when they’re talking about something mundane or boring (and your brain is already busy!), focus on something you love about them. Find the place within yourself where you can really listen to what your partner says simply because they are saying something! I often have to look at how beautiful my husband’s face is, or how lovely his voice is when he is telling me about some TV show I could care less about. Inform yourself about their day, and then ask them about it. Show your pride and investment in their life. We often know what our partner is going to say, but let them say it and really listen. Connection is everything. —Laura Day RELATED: 5 Everyday Habits To Boost Your Sex Life Get Frustrated Energy Out Creatively If you’re feeling annoyed at your partner, go play a sport or take a yoga class to get the stagnant or frustrated energy out. When you remove yourself from the current situation (or even just the room), you can take a moment to notice if it’s really about what you think you’re annoyed about, or if there may be other circumstances at play. Remember, it’s important to give him/her the benefit of the doubt. Are you assuming your partner has the best possible intentions? How might you feel differently if you did? —Vanessa Ringel, founder of GRAVITĀS Check-in  In the morning over coffee or at the end of the evening, ask each other how you’re feeling about the day. What are the challenges? Can you tackle a chore so they can go for a much-needed run in the neighborhood? Can they help clear your schedule for some uninterrupted alone time? You can have these kinds of conversations at any time of day. It’s about finding connection and emotional intimacy each and every day.  —Monica Berg, author of Rethink Love and host of Spiritually Hungry Podcast Be Vulnerable  Romance in a marriage doesn’t need to die; however, the idea and expectation of what romance means does. Responsibilities, routine, and everyday stressors are inevitable. It is very easy when entering a marriage to expect love and romance and have those intoxicating early-relationship hormones keep raging. Vulnerability is actually the key to rekindling romance. When we’re seeking vulnerability and its byproduct, genuine connection, we aren’t looking for excitement. Choosing to take a break from your everyday routine with a date night or a staycation is a wonderful way to infuse excitement and mystery. Take that time to foster an appreciation for all the reasons your relationship is already wonderful, and build upon them. Sharing our past fears, embarrassments, and experiences requires an openness that each couple should try to create between each other. It’s not always an easy task. The more you open up to your partner and